You shameful pricks.

    Yesterday the Huffington Post reported the 10 Cities Where Workers Swear The Most.  My beloved Boston came in at a disappointing number FOUR!  Apparently only 56% of the employees polled say they swear at work.  This is a lie.  People why did you lie to the Huffington?  They are not your Momma.  This blatant attempt to place us Massholes, a term I am never so fond of, in a glowing light has tied us with Los Angeles!  Are you kidding me?  I want nothing in common with LA.  What’s wrong with you people.  You know as well as I that when you are in your cubicle, flipping burgers, driving your delivery truck or even filling a cannoli you let the expletives fly free.  Tied with Los Angeles.  We ought be ashamed of ourselves.  LA is such a hack town.  They have nothing to complain about…tasty waves…balmy breezy weather year round…the best fish tacos (so I’ve heard)…and lots of big fake tits on the beach.  I don’t even know where to get a fish taco in Boston.  Our weather is fucking ridiculously extreme.  We body surf for lack of waves higher than four feet and our beaches our filled with the bodies of real women…women who gave birth…have hips and scars.  And I am one of those big hipped scarred up women.  Not that there aren’t fakies out here.  Our beaches tend more toward family lifestyles than Hollywood.   

    A surprising entry was the number nine ranked New York .  I thought they would be much higher in the list.  And even more flabbergasting was that Minneapolis placed at all coming in at number seven.  When I read that Mrs. Poole popped into my head.  That little fucker Ferris won’t outsmart you this time Ed.  Also surprising was Denver.  I didn’t know they had it in them.  Beating out the Windy City for the number two spot.  Chicago I can totally understand being on that list.  Lots of good food means lots of bad eating habits which leads to lots of pissed off fatties.  Please, it takes one to know one.  Combined with the well below zero wind chills and the ever constant lake-effect snow in the winter you got yourself one cheesed off city.  I get that.

    So where do I stand on swearing in the workplace?  Dead center my friend.  I am known curser and most, if not all of my friends swear as well.  So why the low numbers Boston?  I know where we would hands down rank number one in swearing…in our cars.  Boston is beloved for it’s beans and aggressive drivers.  I am the biggest offender at shouting swears to nearby motorists.  My mother and I used to attend a Weight Watchers meeting in Mattapan on Thursday evenings.  She lives on the South Shore and at the time I lived in Dorchester.  She would pick me up from work and I would drive from my job to the meeting place.  She did not like driving in the city.  A twenty minute drive that was so blue my Mom dubbed it Douche-bag Thursday.  This was three or four years ago.

    Now?  I’ve graduated to Motherfucker Monday.  Just today I was leaving the Brigham traveling down Tremont street talking on the phone with my mother.  I know what your thinking…I don’t like talking on the phone and driving but I just got good news at the hospital.  So with Mom on the phone I break as two kids enter the crosswalk.  The car behind me swerves around as if it would have hit me if it hadn’t and the driver yelled…what are you doing? while he passed me on the right causing the two kids that he did not see to stop dead in their tracks.  I’m stopping to let the fucking kids cross you dumb motherfucker!  A reply I yelled and later apologized to my Mom for because it was in her ear.  She said…I totally understand.  My mom gets it.  

    Here in New England we are known swearers with horrendous accents.  So why Boston failed to at least make it into the top three if not beating out DC for the number one spot is totally beyond me.  Next time Boston…pull up your fucking bootstraps and tell the goddamn truth you bunch of lying motherfuckers.  You shameful pricks.