Let me preface this entry by saying that this is a rant to my recently deceased friends. And if you know either of them and are sensitive you may not want to read this yet as it is not a love letter. Everyone else…read on.
It seems to me that in your death I am the victim. You are relieved of your earthly chains…your knotting pains and worries. But I sit friendless and grieved. Gutted and left empty by your absence. Left here to stare at ghostly pictures and read archived messages and emails that we shared. I don’t want to do this…it is just my fate.
Two friends that died by their own vices. Two friends gone that I shared my heart and soul with. I shared my life and homes with. I gave my love and self to. Two friends gone that I called friend that I’ve hugged, comforted and been comforted by. Two friends that changed my life because without them I would not be here. Their absence from my space-time continuum would tear a hole in my existence.
And because you’ve been relieved of your worldly woes…you no longer suffer. You are no longer tortured by your demons. Because you no longer feel strangled by life…I ask you. Was it worth it? Does your heart still break? It should. Do you see ours breaking? Did you float up from your jaundiced poisoned body and think ‘glad that’s over…I’m out…good luck kids…tell my mom I love her’ and float away in bliss? And did you sit next to your body as went into cardiac arrest while lying in vomit and think…’phew…finally out of there.’ Did you happen to catch glimpses of your family and friends on the way out? Did you hear their tortured wails and heart broken sobs for you?
You don’t know how sick I am of hearing people tell me how peaceful and pain free my dead friends are. I don’t give a fuck. I wish their souls were as wracked with grief as mine. I wish they cried when they passed for leaving all the love here behind. I wish they suddenly realized how short sighted and selfish they have been.
Did you not know I have demons? Did you not know that I was in pain too? This year has been a total fuck all! I cry all the time. I tell family that I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown to which they reply…’no you’re not.’ On my best day I feel as though my mind is leaking out of my ears. I want to dope and drink myself to oblivion but I can’t…I just can’t. And every day I go a little bit crazier. And every night I sob over something into my pillow. And every morning I shower and slap some make-up over my puffy face and slide on my worn out Airwalks and face the goddamn shit ridden world.
God forbid we could have done this together…as a team…facing challenges and life and leaning on each other.
But no…I’m glad you’re free. I’m glad you’re happy. You go and dance with angels or whatever the fuck it is you get to do now. Have at it boys. I’m thrilled you’re enjoying yourselves. In case you don’t recognize it in the afterlife that was sarcasm you dead fucks!
No comments:
Post a Comment