When I was diagnosed with a sarcoma on my large intestine and told I would need to have a major surgery my daughter and I moved in with my parents. I would need the help during my recovery which is now tapering off. I was both relieved and wary of moving back into my parent’s home. I rented my own little house when I was eight moths pregnant and lived there til that point. My own bathroom…kitchen…mess. It was mine. So when we arrived back where I started I felt both safe and hesitant that this would work. I am here now…scratching the twelve inch scar down my belly and sipping a rum and coke from a straw. My daughter snug in her bed and my parents gone having an evening on the town with old friends. The quiet in the house has made me realize how crazy and chaotic two old people can be. They are really not that old but I like to tease. This sparked the creation of:
The Top Ten Reasons You Should Not Live With Your Aging Parents
10. They may or may not close the bathroom door.
(I didn’t when I lived on my own only because my daughter would break into the fridge and crush all my eggs or eat an entire package of cheese if I didn’t keep the door open. There is really no word that describes the feeling you get from being initiated into the world of your parent’s bathroom habits)
9. You are forced to repeat yourself because their initial response to anything is…Huh? or What?
( I get it. Their hearing is going but my Mom says Huh? In the most loud, drawn out, grating inflection that I repeat what I said extra loudly and slowly just to piss her off)
8. They don’t remember shit.
(You become an active log for the placement of wallets, pens, glasses…etc)
7. The television volume is always on the highest possible setting.
(Again, They are losing their hearing. But when you go to turn on the tv and the decibel level is that which could frighten away children and small animals it’s unnerving)
6. They do not like to leave the house.
(You will become a bit of an errand boy for things like milk, bread and waiting prescriptions)
5. The devotion to there television line-up is unwavering.
(You inevitably become a fan of golf, tennis matches and Bones)
4. Grandpa becomes less tolerant of your toddler’s ‘Terrible Two’ phase.
(Believe me I become less tolerant of the phase myself. It’s just funnier when a grumpy old man reacts to it with: I don’t want hear all that noise!)
3. Yard Work!
(Though I have not yet had to do any because of my surgery the sands in the hour glass are slipping fast. In the next week or two I will be the head mower, weeder and raker on this acre. I’m a poet)
2. Technology is a language that is not spoken here.
(You become their ever-knowledgeable guide to the world wide web. My mother is amazed every time I can answer a question about an actor or athlete in under thirty seconds by accessing the information on my laptop. Google and IMDb are mysterious, magical tools)
1. No sex life for me.
(I need say no more)
That’s my list. I may have exaggerated a point or two (may have). But you get the picture. In all seriousness my parents have been more than gracious and helpful during this weird and difficult time in my life. They make me laugh gobs more than they make me cry and Eva and I are blessed to have them. That said….let’s keep this list on the down low so as to not jeopardize my residency. Preesh!
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