Is this thing on?

  In the past I would write scathing emails to my daughter’s co-creator…no not God…the guy that contributed the other X chromosome.  I sent them off apparently to a field of chirping crickets.  He never responded. I would tap keyboard and blow on my screen asking…is this thing on?  It led me to be the angriest person alive.  I would have dreams of beating him.  I had a dream that I was on top of him…pinning him to the ground…punching his face until I was tired.  That was one of many angst-filled, ass-kicking dreams.  I slowly developed a stress twitch over my left eye.  One that lasted from conception to approximately my daughter’s first birthday.  Now it lays in waiting until she’s a fourteen year old with Daddy issues and a penchant for poll dancing.  Which I said to my mother once and she was appalled.  Nikki, why would you say something like that?  I’m like what…It’s not going to happen?  No one gets me.  When it comes to her grandchildren my mother is humorless.  She accuses me of the same but as you can see…  

    Once I closed one of my scorching notes with the line…My vagina has depreciated in value by letting you in it.  At the time I wrote it I truly meant it.  And it made me laugh.  I wondered does it actually decrease in value?  And does it decrease with quality or quantity?  What benchmarks are held for it?  Does it set a standard in vagina excellence?  What would it’s Michelin star rating be?  In the end I came to the realization that the insult was not his.  It was mine and mine alone.  I was the fool that believed lies and let him in.  His part was played with the sophistication of a swine and the grace of a wombat.  You know how a wombat runs with it’s flaps flared all wobbly and bow-legged.  You get the idea.   But as crudely as I can remember him being I was the blockhead for ignoring all the red flags and falling for his nonsense.  My daughter and I just ended up being non-sequiturs along the path of his life…some illogical sidebar that he redirected himself from.  But that’s okay.  I have grown and now know that he would add nothing to this tight little unit other than more stress and eye twitching…which as I said before is reserved for my daughter’s teen years.