i'm my shadow following behind a me that isn't there...

i've learned to say thank you when complimented. it's a lot more gracious then being self deprecating. i can do that all by myself. i don't need a straight line.
sometimes i think i'm someone else...someone good. but then i remember and the smile leaves. have you ever tried to look at yourself through the eyes of someone else? not picking at yourself just stepping outside of you. i do that occasionally...by accident mostly. although it tends to turn into something else...something more critical. like you're with a group of friends out at a restaurant or bar and suddenly you realize you're not you...you're someone else across the room and you catch this glimpse of you in your periphery. and you think...do i like i that person? do i like these people? would i approach me if i was a stranger? and suddenly you feel fake like the laughter you just spent on a friend's anecdote was completely put on. i'm a put on...an eminence front. but then you quietly slip back to being you like you never left yourself. but then that person across the room is now a part of you forever. you can't shake him.
so then i sit here and face every problem i have or think i have. i regurgitate it and ruminate on it like a cow on cud. then when i'm done with it i spit it out here in my own personal cud can. if you can't tell...i'm having a rough day. but as soon as i finish typing this mess i will feel as right as rain...cool summer rain.
i'm really choked up today. i'm gagging on my cud...lol. seriously i'm having a moment of desperation. my self assuredness is cloudy with a chance of periodic emotional downpours...with gusts of anger and self doubt reaching 50 mph. like everything i do is wrong or i've moved in the wrong direction. today feels like a game of sorry and i keep getting kicked back to start. i'm my shadow following behind a me that isn't there...where did i go? i'm going to go look in on my baby girl...she'll put things in perspective.