Last night I watched Sonny beat Carlos. He chased him down in the street...grabbed him by the shirt collar and beat him in the face. Carlos tried to escape Sonny. He clung to a black iron handrail. But Sonny was relentless and pounded his face bloody. And when he couldn't stand it anymore he picked up a garbage lid from a nearby can and smashed Carlos repeatedly in the head with it. Carlos's whitened knuckles could hang on no longer and he slithered on his belly into the hydrant soaked street where Sonny kicked him and kicked him until he landed face down in a puddle of dirty street water. My thoughts were with you. You can't imagine the beauty I saw in that moment. My fury is like Sonny's. And as I was watching it I imagined that I was him beating you...in the street in front of God and everybody. And tears came to my eyes and I noticed I was biting my lip so hard that it was about to bleed. If I was a boy I would beat your ass stupid...as redundant as that may be. I know you can't read this. I made it so you couldn't. It just feels good to let it out and write to you like you cared. But I would rather the whole world know my feelings before you did. Ain't that some shit? I know it's absurd. I realize how ridiculous I can be. But this life is ridiculous. You're ridiculous. The lump in my throat as I write this is ridiculous...but what am I going to do? Write to you as if you were reading and cry until the lump goes away. But if I should grow a cock and balls one day lookout fucker. Because I am coming for you. And I will beat you like Sonny beat Carlos. I know that Sonny ended up eating it on the causeway. But when all was said and done Carlos got a one-way ticket to the bottom of the East River...
So pray I don't grow a set...
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